In Competition No. 2461 you were invited to think up Seven Deadly Virtues and to mock them in verse.
Chastity and sobriety and political correctness were obvious Aunt Sallies. Michael Saxby gave a wise warning against honesty: ‘Thus “Does my bum look big in this?” will land one in a mess/ Unless one says, “Of course not, dear” when really one means “Yes!”’, while Mike Morrison derided ‘the heinous vice/ Of being so insufferably nice’. The notion of the Seven Deadly Virtues, by the way, comes from George Moore’s Confessions of a Young Man, which strikes a lot of attitudes but also hits a great many nails on the head. The prizewinners, printed below, get £25 each, and the bonus fiver goes to Martin Woodhead.
From Charity, with which we shed
Hot coals upon our neighbour’s head;
And Chastity, in which, demure,
We hug ourselves that we’re so pure;
From Cheerfulness, through which we seek
To chide the poor and daunt the weak;
And from that crawling Humbleness
We glory in: Good Lord, deliver us.
From Thrift, that hooks the miser’s fingers;
From Peace in which the rancour lingers;
And worst of all, from the erroneous
Creed of each shifty, sly Polonius,
Which mouths, ‘To thine own self be true!’—
Meaning the world’s fair game for you;
In short, from feeling virtuous,
That deadly vice: Good Lord, deliver us.
Martin WoodheadPatience is a silly trait,
Life’s too short to sit and wait.
Honesty will win no prize,
Power and wealth are built on lies.
Gentleness just ends in tears,
Kicks and cuffs about the ears.
Purity’s as dry as dust,
Missing all the joys of lust.
Charity makes beggars stay
Out of work to scrounge all day.
Piety beneath its veil
Hides the darkest beasts of hell.
Modesty with downcast face
Occupies the lowest place.
Frank Mc DonaldThe Seven Deadly Virtues be
First, infallibility.
Endless kindness is another,
Showering gifts until I smother.
Cheerfulness, with endless fun,
Has me reaching for my gun;
Just as menacing I see
Unrelieved solemnity.
Only briefly can I bear
Constant willingness to share.
People highly energetic
Should have a fatal anaesthetic;
So should those who from their birth
Are clearly full of moral worth.
It is better to remain
Grudging, envious, and vain.
Paul GriffinMy seven Deadly Virtues are all Ps,
And Perseverance is the first of these:
Why should the dogged persevere, how long
Should they persist, if what they’re doing is wrong?
Prudence debilitates when people who
Possess it nothing dare and nothing do.
Patience earns nothing but indignant scorn
When it bears meekly what must not be borne.
Propriety’s a mask that lets me hide
My not-so-proper self, the me inside.
Persuasiveness makes varnish cover up
The unvarnished truth, in selling us a pup.
Sweet, glorious Patriotism — what is it for?
To kill a nation’s best young men in war.
Piety: there are times when love of God’s
Misplaced when that and horse sense are at odds.
Ray KelleyCourage lost me my sight,
Correctness my principles,
Continence lost me my sanity,
Compassion my worldly goods,
Conscience lost me my friends,
Contrition my enemies.
These six, then, I abjure
Without regret.
Yet still I am not pure:
Competitiveness,
Uniquely of the seven,
I nurture yet
Though that may lose me Heaven.
Richard EllisThe virtuously prudent man
Lives not for now but for his plan;
His patience illustrates the fact
He’d always rather wait than act;
And tolerance well suits his need
For some inactive moral creed.
His loyalty remains unshaken,
However misplaced or mistaken;
And honesty’s a compromise —
Half truths, let’s say, and half white lies.
His thrift means savings he can sneak
By pinching pennies till they squeak;
And modesty’s a simple sheet
To wrap around his self-conceit.
He doesn’t ask you to applaud:
Such virtues are their own reward.
W.J.WebsterNo. 2464: Pseudospeak
Politicians, when speaking in public, are notoriously addicted to clichés, meaningless locutions, euphemisms and jargon, not to mention lies. You are invited to provide up to 150 words of ministerial waffle. Entries to ‘Competition No. 2464’ by 5 October.