Spectator competition winners: filmericks

In Competition No. 3257, you were invited to summarise a film in limerick form.

A nod to Ezra Haber Glenn, American academic, film reviewer and inventor of the filmerick. Here’s his take on Chloé Zhao’s 2020 Nomadland.

“They may think that you don’t have a plan, 

When they see that you poop in a can, 

      But it’s them that did go mad, 

      You hard-working nomad: 

You’ve a home on the road in your van.

In a large entry, it was pleasing to see so many unfamiliar names rubbing shoulders with the vets. Honourable mentions go to Hugh Keyte, Janine Beacham, Mike Greenhough, Philip Machin, Dorothy Pope and Philip Wilson. The winners pocket £9 each.

“The Austrian scenes are aesthetic, 

Von Trapp kids are cute but emetic, 

      There’s oodles and oodles 

      Of schnitzels and strudels – 

Don’t watch it if you’re diabetic. 

David Silverman/The Sound of Music

“Dr Frankenstein had an idea: 

To assemble a creature of fear. 

      The subhuman wreck 

      With that bolt through its neck 

Looked like something he’d bought from Ikea. 

Brian Allgar/Frankenstein

“See Terence and Hugo and Guy 

Take a bus trip together. But why? 

      After meanness and malice 

      They’re Red Hot in Alice 

And then they wave gaily goodbye. 

Ann Drysdale/The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert 

“We learn through his canine narration, 

That Pongo, a dogged dalmation, 

      Denies heiress Cruella 

      Her puppy paella 

And prevents the proposed immolation. 

Richard Spencer/101 Dalmations

“Though seduced by Elaine’s sexy mother, 

Ben loses his heart to none other 

      Than the cuter Elaine, 

      Which causes folks pain — 

But they’ll manage one way or another. 

Martin Elster/The Graduate

“The plot’s a humdinger, yes ma’am! 

Civil War and crossed lovers – wham, bam! 

      But did Scarlett love Rhett? 

      Aw, shucks, I forget 

But, frankly, I don’t give a damn. 

Ann Wooby/Gone With the Wind

“I thought Dune was a thrill when I read it, 

But then Lynch (aptly named) chose to shred it. 

      When tomatoes were flung, 

      Even Sting wound up stung. 

Lynch himself tried denying all credit. 

Susan McLean/Dune

“Gunslinger by trade, not by look, 

Helped settlers resist a sharp crook; 

      Faced a mob and a hotshot 

      And outshot the whole lot, 

Then slung not his gun but his hook. 

W.J. Webster/Shane

“If… was subversively odd, 

Teachers slain in a public school quad 

      By faux-dissident youth, 

      Upper-class and uncouth – 

(None of that at your Secondary Mod.) 

Mike Morrison/If

“It begins with a fly in the eye 

As the six o’clock train trundles by, 

      But their plans are derailed 

      Their coupling curtailed – 

With a stiff upper lip, it’s ‘Goodbye’. 

Sylvia Fairley/Brief Encounter

“The unburied dead there’s no stopping 

Despite all of our hacking and chopping. 

      To escape from them all 

      We holed up at the mall 

But alas, the dead also go shopping. 

Adrian Fry/Dawn of the Dead

“The author, one Alain Robbe-Grillet, 

Said ‘What’s it about? Ça fait chier! 

      I’ve thought since a lad 

      About Marienbad, 

But what it all means still beats me, eh?’ 

A.R. Duncan-Jones/Last Year in Marienbad

“Grief is taking its toll on Paul’s mind. 

He wants sex, the anonymous kind. 

      Before Jeanne pulls her gun, 

      He has S&M fun 

When he butters her up from behind. 

Chris O’Carroll/Last Tango in Paris

“It’s Penis-tone Crag, California: 

No primrose path ever seemed thornier. 

      Says Larry to Merle 

      Think of Yorkshire, Deah Girl. 

The love scenes have seldom been cornier. 

Bill Greenwell/Wuthering Heights (1939)

“After light-years, they came to a planet 

As scenic as home, but apes ran it. 

      They possessed great acumen – 

      Far more than the human 

Thinking: ‘This can’t be Earth. No! Or can it?’ 

John Nagel/Planet of the Apes

“The Mayor is a miserable toad; 

The Cop has an honourable code. 

      The Expert gets beaten, 

      The Captain gets eaten, 

The Shark? Well, it gets to explode. 

Paul Freeman/Jaws

No. 3260: Hidden agenda

You are invited to reveal the existence of a government department, hitherto unsuspected, by means of a speech by its minister,explaining its important policies. Please email entries of up to 150 words to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 27 July.