Ten handy phrases for bluffing your way through the new financial crisis

Aggggghhh! Woooaaaah! Urrrggghhhh! Those screams you hear are ten thousand self-appointed financial experts howling into the existential abyss. The Bank of England this morning announced its ‘operation’ in the gilt market, and every pundit with a social media account is thrashing around in the ever greater ocean of economic jargon and incomprehensible data. It’s hard enough to remember what a gilt is: now we are all expected to comment knowingly on how gilt yields operate, how government interventions shape the bond market, and how markets will react.

Seasoned bluffers need not be afraid, however. Crisis is opportunity, as every investor knows. Now is the time to be bold when others are fearful. Here, as a starter, are ten phrases to help you ride out the economic commentary storm with your reputational portfolio still thriving.

1. ‘This is what happens when ideology meets reality.’ This is an absolute banker when it comes to banking. All bluffers know that the best statements are ones that give the appearance of solidity to pure wind, as Orwell put it. Follow up with a couple of withering remarks about the perils of Trussonomics. Perhaps try: ‘So this is what Britannia Unchained looks like.’ Do not get drawn into any serious discussion about free-market radicalism vs treasury orthodoxy, you don’t want to bet on any side here. Just Google quotes from a famous long-dead, preferably Austrian economist and cite them to your peers. ‘Nothing is so treacherous as the obvious,’ said Schumpeter.
2. ‘I hate to say Rishi told you so…’ You don’t hate to say it, you love to say it. Again, though, be wary of getting too pointed. You don’t do the political horse race, you are a big picture man, so add: ‘I’m not saying Sunak had the answers…’
3. ‘It’s unprecedented. Then again, we are living in an age when the unprecedented is the precedent.’ (Hat tip: Martin Lewis, the nation’s favourite money pundit.) Follow up by pointing out that we live in an age of ‘successive crises’ that ‘cannot be disentangled from each other.’
4. ‘Pension funds, not politicians, really control the economic future.’ Yes, you’ve seen under the belly of the great capitalist beast and you know what makes it crawl. You know that ‘algorithmic trading’ means more than one Chancellor. Talk about funds ‘covering their positions’ as if you just were chatting to somebody on a trading desk.
5. ‘This is how we expect markets/institutions to respond to developing world economies.’ Load this remark with meaning. You aren’t some kneejerk declinist, but you’ve been commenting on the developing world long enough to know how markets/institutions respond to them and you don’t like what you’re seeing.
6. ‘In other words, less QE means more QE.’ Throw this in after some oblique remarks about ‘fiscal tapering’ and nobody will dare ask what you mean. Wait for some numpty to talk about ‘the government printing too much money’ and explain – patient but pained – that money printing is not actually what QE is. It’s a bit more complicated, guys.
7. ‘At this point, it’s more instructive to look at the yen.’ Currencies are in fact a blagger’s best friend, so go bold. Use in the context of ‘the dollar, inevitably, continues to strengthen’. Also, say it is better to make comparisons against ‘a basket of currencies.’ If blagging on Twitter, and who isn’t blagging on Twitter, post a snapshot chart of some totally random currency – the Kazakhstani tenge, for instance. Say ‘wow’ if the spikes look dramatic. Or ‘tenge so far surprisingly stable’ if not.
8. ‘We have to start talking about the housing market.’ It doesn’t matter that everyone already is talking about the housing market; seize the high ground. You were worrying about ‘mortgage futures’ long before the hoi polloi. Talk about how household debt has grown since the 1970s and look sad about mankind’s inability to live within its means.
9. ‘It’s easy to assume that this will all be inflationary.’ As a seasoned investor, you know how to hedge. Don’t pin yourself in a corner by talking down inflation, but don’t talk it up either. Talk about ‘deflationary pressures kicking in’ and ‘dips in the commodities markets’ as a ‘useful lead indicator’.
10. ‘This is not 2008.’ Another great bluffing tactic is to show a little knowledge leg without revealing that you aren’t wearing underpants. Insinuate the historical without getting into specifics. Refer to Britain going ‘cap in hand’ to the IMF in 1976, the ‘Dalton and the devaluation of 1949’, the ‘Plaza Accord of 1985.’ There is no need to elaborate because, remember, the unprecedented is the precedent.