Bernie | The Spectator columnists & writers

‘Welcome to Manston for another year of “I’m an asylum seeker, get me out of here!”’

Welcome to Manston

‘Welcome to Manston for another year of “I’m an asylum seeker, get me out of here!”’

Welcome to Manston

‘Sorry kids, we’ve had to cut out all treats this year.’

Cut out all treats

‘Sorry kids, we’ve had to cut out all treats this year.’

Cut out all treats

Lost

Lost

‘I’ll just test your blood pressure.’

Test your blood pressure

‘I’ll just test your blood pressure.’

Test your blood pressure

He’s sent a representative

‘The King agreed not to come but he’s sent a representative.’

He’s sent a representative

‘The King agreed not to come but he’s sent a representative.’

‘Your call for unity got a mixed response.’

Your call for unity got a mixed response

‘Your call for unity got a mixed response.’

Your call for unity got a mixed response

Crashed economy

Crashed economy

‘Thank heaven life can at last return to normal.’

Life can at last return to normal

‘Thank heaven life can at last return to normal.’

Life can at last return to normal

‘And order something you won’t enjoy. It’s still too soon.’

Still too soon

‘And order something you won’t enjoy. It’s still too soon.’

Still too soon

‘Don’t throw it away woman, there’s a water shortage!’

There’s a water shortage!

‘Don’t throw it away woman, there’s a water shortage!’

There’s a water shortage!

Hosepipe ban lifted

Hosepipe ban lifted

Hosepipe ban lifted

Hosepipe ban lifted

We can’t even afford the second cheapest bottle

‘What a life. We can’t even afford the second cheapest bottle.’

We can’t even afford the second cheapest bottle

‘What a life. We can’t even afford the second cheapest bottle.’

‘I bought baby her first booties!’

I bought baby her first booties

‘I bought baby her first booties!’

I bought baby her first booties

‘School’s out. Now for six weeks of bickering and pettiness...’

School’s out...

‘School’s out. Now for six weeks of bickering and pettiness...’

School’s out...

‘Looks like we’ll miss our boat.’

Miss our boat

Miss our boat

‘Looks like we’ll miss our boat.’

‘I’m terribly sorry, we’ve had to put a cap on numbers.’

I’m terribly sorry

I’m terribly sorry

‘I’m terribly sorry, we’ve had to put a cap on numbers.’

‘Looks like Boris is flying again.’

Looks like Boris is flying again

‘Looks like Boris is flying again.’

Looks like Boris is flying again

‘Much longer in this go-slow protest and we’ll miss our cancelled flight.’

We’ll miss our cancelled flight

‘Much longer in this go-slow protest and we’ll miss our cancelled flight.’

We’ll miss our cancelled flight

‘Next, an anonymous caller who asks: “Can I get monkeypox from groping two men?”’

An anonymous caller

‘Next, an anonymous caller who asks: “Can I get monkeypox from groping two men?”’

An anonymous caller

‘Shouldn’t you be out catching criminals?’

Shouldn’t you be out catching criminals

‘Shouldn’t you be out catching criminals?’

Shouldn’t you be out catching criminals

Leather goods

‘A suitcase? Certainly, Sir. Is it for wine or cash?’

Leather goods

‘A suitcase? Certainly, Sir. Is it for wine or cash?’

‘The cheaper and less qualified doctor will see you now.’

The cheaper and less qualified doctor will see you now

‘The cheaper and less qualified doctor will see you now.’

The cheaper and less qualified doctor will see you now

Red wine on the wall

Red wine on the wall

‘There they go again, three months behind the fashion.’

M&S pull out of Russia

‘There they go again, three months behind the fashion.’

M&S pull out of Russia

‘A mosaic has come to light that clearly shows you fiddling while Rome burns.’

Fiddling while Rome burns

‘A mosaic has come to light that clearly shows you fiddling while Rome burns.’

Fiddling while Rome burns

‘I say we should invade Taiwan now while the rest of the world is distracted by Wordle.’

I say we should invade Taiwan now

‘I say we should invade Taiwan now while the rest of the world is distracted by Wordle.’

I say we should invade Taiwan now

‘No, you may not give me a lift to the polling station, you filthy pervert,’

Filthy pervert

‘No, you may not give me a lift to the polling station, you filthy pervert,’

Filthy pervert

Old-fashioned Conservatives

‘Nice to see there are still some old-fashioned Conservatives in the house.’

Old-fashioned Conservatives

‘Nice to see there are still some old-fashioned Conservatives in the house.’

‘I have a terrible fear of not flying.’

I have a terrible fear of not flying

‘I have a terrible fear of not flying.’

I have a terrible fear of not flying